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I’m posting here because I’ve made too many posts where I’ve been bitching and moaning but I think I’m r/wrestling in the past but and I’m not trying to clog up hot with my bullshit.I don’t know what the fuck is up to but I’m showing up to practice every day and drilling hard, drilling after practice occasionally, about 30% of my free time is is just watching and envisioning wrestling moves. I’m not getting any betterAnd it’s not even a thing that I just perceive with guys at school. Guys I’ve beat have come back and beat me but I’m doing everything harder than when I beat them. People at my gym, not just my school but at my mma gym where I go and get extra work at the wrestling class there, when we wrestle and do takedowns they’re getting the better of me and I can’t outscramble them, I can’t do anything really. I normally do much much better and I’m just not doing betterIt’s like up until november my progression was going up at a very high rate and everyone else was getting better, just slower, then I just hit a fucking wall and I’m not getting better, if anything I’m feeling worse. Because I’m still getting sore, I just feel my cardio isn’t getting better and my strength isn’t either, so I show up the next day able to do less.I would beat someone and then the next day I would think about how I’m gonna go back and beat them harder and I would. I would be on bottom and I’d talk to myself and then I’d stand up and be kicking their ass. I can’t do this anymore. I’m neither as emotional about it, nor as physically able from the beginning.I was just an all around better person living a better life a couple months ago. I was stronger and faster, I was better looking because right now my ears look like fucking balloons from all the cauliflower ear built up, I was happier and right now I’m just depressed and bitter.There’s also not another year, I’m not in high school next year. I will never ever be a state champion or even a placer if I don’t do it now, and few months ago I was (apparently, I’m not sure how to check myself) ranked #3 after I beat legitimate contenders for the state title, but now I’ve lost to a scrub,The person I was in November could beat the fuck out of me in a wrestling match, in a fight, in any athletic endeavor and I wasn’t even going to practice every day because I had this one class I had to go to from 2-5 every day. Now I AM going to practice and I’m experiencing this bullshit.I haven’t considered quitting for one second, I just sit and thing about the past and wish when I was doing judo until I was 12, and wishing when I was 12 I joined wrestling, but I didn’t. I started as a sophomore and never once felt like I wasn’t getting better faster than everyone else UNTIL now.There’s so many people I’ve seen enter the room and quit since then, people who never accomplished as much as I have in my little unimpressive wrestling career. And this has been motivation for me to continue, because I can last longer than all the other people I saw join because I think I want it more. But no longer how much I want it I’m not getting better.


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